Of all the days I have to go out. As if attempting Tesco with the Mother In Law on a Saturday morning wasn't bad enough, I have a few things to do in Town first and have the cold, rain and a gale force wind to contend with. Our Tesco is virtually on the Sea Front and it is windy there at the best of times. Once, as I was loading the boot of the car with our shopping, the wind blew it down and it hit me on the head! It really hurt and it was shortly after a coloured lady on Eastenders had a bang on the head which resulted in her dying from a Brain Tumour, so you can imagine, I was petrified for weeks (I stopped watching Eastenders after that). Anyway I digress so back to the matter in hand, Mrs Fabs top tips on how to dress for this inclement weather if you really have to go out this weekend.
1. Leave your Umberella at home.
It was the whole reason I insisted, last Autunm, on buying a Padded Coat for the School Run, with a hood. Not only do I not want to be holding one when I have a handbag and Little Mans School Bag or P.E. kit to contend with, but I can't bear having to fight against the elements and get soaking wet whilst I try to turn the bloody thing back in the right way, at the same time as being lifted a few inches off the ground! Mary Poppins this lady ain't. Don't get me wrong Umberella's do have their place, but it is not on a windy day!
2. Wear a Hat.
Now I am not talking a Trilby or similar, no silly, that will just fly off and probably get squashed by the next passing car, I am talking Beret or Beany, something tight fitting that will go from your forehead down to your neck and stop you getting whiplash from your luscious locks! Nothing looks worse than walking through the town with your whole face covered by your hair as somebody says "Hello" to you and you can't see who the fuck it is, and the people walking behind you get to see just how bad your roots are because you could only afford a T section the last time you had your hair coloured (well you had a lot to pay out for just before Christmas didn't you?).
3. Don't wear your Uggs.
Leave them for low temperature days only, as the rain will ruin them over time even if you use a protector and the knitted ones will go all baggy and smell like a wet Dog. Stick with your Wellies or a Classic Flat Boot for showerproof chic!
4. Don't wear a flared skirt.
Goes without saying really doesn' it? You don't want anybody catching sight of your Spanx or Apple Catchers, so keep undergarments firmly under wraps and wear leggings or jeans instead.
5. Don't wear Flares.
How many times have you walked behind someone in the rain who has flared or bootcut style trousers or jeans on and even if they are not touching the wet pavement, they still seem to somehow have sucked up and absorbed at least 3 pints of dirty rain water which is gradually creeping up towards the back of the wearers knee? So not a good look my darlings and awful if you are going out for the day or on your way to the office. Stick with something you can tuck into boots - tres stylish!
6. Leave the Lipgloss in your make-up bag.
Now I am a huge fan of Lipgloss, huge. But on windy days I stick with Lipstick or a smear of my Bobbi Brown Lip and Cheek Tint. There is nothing worse than the wind whipping your hair round your face and sticking to your Lipgloss! This usually happens just as you are about to start a conversation with somebody (in my case the Headmaster in the Playground), so leaves you not only feeling like a complete Twat but with a mouthful of hair! so quite frankly - Yuk! Lipgloss is for summer days and zephyrs dear readers!
7. Wear Gloves.
Even if its not that cold, if its windy, your hands will get chapped. I am lucky enough to be blessed with hands that look as if they have never seen a bottle of Cif Multi-Action Cleaner but sadly have a face which is fast resembling a map of Spaghetti Junction, so smear on your handcream and pop them into a classic black leather glove to keep your hands as soft as a babys bum and if you are going further than the supermarket you could always put a large cocktail ring over the top - tres glamour!
8. Take some spare plastic carrier bags.
Sounds silly I know but if you don't, you will need to aviod buying anything from Shops that put your goods into paper carrier bags, if shopping in town rather than in a shopping centre. I can't tell you the amount of times I have seen the arse fall out of a giant Primark paper bag crammed full of clothes as some poor student spends the last of her Grant on bargains! It is not only shocking for the passer by, as many take pity and begin to transfer shopping into other bags to give the victim a spare carrier, but can bring on a toddler tantrum in the middle of the High Street by the purchaser of said goods in said paper carrier bag. You want to be a well prepared and stylish shopper - No?
So my little beauties, this post leaves me feeling like Mrs Doubtfires Fashion and Style Equivalent, I could almost hear her voice as I was reading it back to myself.
Hope you all have a "Nuts" Weekend xxxx